It’s the fifth because it’s 5:00am. The world is sleeping except for me. I am so tired right now I cannot see straight, and yet I can’t sleep. Why? I suppose a combination of fear, anger, and frustration. Let me explain. I love Bryce so much it hurts. I feel I put myself through a lot for him and for naught sometimes. I was with him tonight when he started on a down mood so I grabbed laundry and left to do it. I didn’t get any quarters so I was unable to do it, so I called him to let him know that. He called me back shortly after that and said that Matt had come over. (Matt is my mortal enemy right now and I’m sure more will be written later, especially if this situation continues as it has been.) I came up as planned and he was still here so I left again to go do some more errands I needed to get done. When I got back Matt was still here so I waited in the living room until The Idiot left. After he left, Bryce was mad at my antics and I argued that I had left before when Matt came, so why shouldn’t he leave when I come in? Bryce doesn’t see that and that’s ok but I will still be upset with this for a while.

Bryce says he loves me and I believe him, but sometimes he proves he doesn’t love me enough to be exclusive to me. I don’t know if I should continue waiting and watching or move on. The thought of moving on scares me but I really need someone who can be with me, as I want to be with him, with no outside influences. I guess, like Bryce, I need to make some decisions and stick with them. The problem is only after a few months I love him like no one else I ever have and it would be too much like a divorce to let go now. Does all this make sense? I guess I feel like my options are these: (1) Stay with Bryce and tough this out. If I win, I win. If I lose, I lose. Or, (2) find someone else, possibly not as desirable (knowing that looks aren’t everything, but they do help) who is hung up on an ex. What’s wrong with the male population? You know I do have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend after 9 years. Now that takes courage, but there may be some inspiration there.

On a possibly lighter note I gave my notice at Wendy’s yesterday. I expect Bank One to be calling me later this week with a job offer. I hope they come through for me or I’ll be in trouble. I believe they will. My family is getting together this Saturday for “Christmas.” I’m kind of looking forward to it although I have no idea what to get Timothy. I got him a sweater last year and don’t want to repeat but it’s coming down to crunch time and I don’t know what to do.