A Battle with The B**ch

It's Martin Luther King Jr's birthday weekend and ten years ago this weekend, I asked to be and was introduced to crystal meth.  This was not the first drug I had ever tried, but I will speak to the statistic that says marijuana is a "gateway drug."  I've never been a fan of weed, and it was not that that encouraged me to try meth.  The purpose of this post is not to glamorize or show pride in a bad decision I made, but as a commemoration and perhaps explanation of a milestone anniversary of something in my life that makes me who I am now.

Since 1995, the internet and more specifically, internet chat played a big role in my life.  That led to many interesting encounters with tons of people over the years.  In the big picture, if I had stepped back and looked at the number of people who were willing to meet me and do God knows what, I would know that I was at least OK.  The fact is there were some people I wanted to meet or even just chat with who would not respond to my overtures.  That strengthened my resolve to chat with them, even bordering on creepy.

One night in January 2005, I was chatting with someone who was willing to teach me about (and sell me some) crystal meth.  Before that time, I had run into meth only once or twice.  I drove to meet this guy-he was at his friend's house, and in the basement, I did my first hit.  One of the main effects, I was told, was that it would make me incredibly horny.  Let's be honest here:  I'm a Scorpio.  I don't need any help with that.  But, he was right.  It did.  The problem was this was first time with kind of experience, and I am shy in person.  We went downstairs a couple more times, but mostly I sat in the friend's den with three other people who were just talking-a lot.

Almost immediately, I found a new kind of acceptance with those people I chatted with online.  I'm pretty smart (my father once said, "Relatively.") so I knew that if I had a baggie of shards, I could have friends.  The minute it was gone, my friends would be, too.  Sometimes, I had three or four guys over, and I felt great!  There are generally two reasons for smoking meth-the sex or the high.  Honestly, being high on meth feels great, but certain parts don't work.  The sex is generally a myth.  What I actually ended up with was a room full of naked guys doing almost nothing but looking at each other.  The high isn't all it's cracked up to be either.  Sure, it feels good, but you think you can do all kinds of amazingly productive things.  What ends up happening is a laser focus on one thing.  I knew people who would get high and then go to Walmart and go shopping for seven or eight hours.  They would leave with a pack of gum.  Others would clean and rearrange furniture, which was awesome, except when I would walk through the living room in the middle of the night with the lights off!

The main reason for doing meth was not the sex or the high.  No, it was acceptance.  On and off for 10 years, I have been accepted by people that I found attractive only because I had the Stuff.  Acceptance is a powerful, powerful thing.  I don't have any advice for how to get around that, but I can tell you that this particular method of acceptance takes a toll.  Financial, physical, emotional, spiritual, legal (though this is not part of my story, thank God)

There are people I met in the context of drug use who have become very good friends.  There are people who were friends before, and who supported me through this part of my story.  There were people who I met who were less than savory.  I am so thankful for the people who walked through it with me.

I felt like I had things under control, and in fact stopped using entirely for four years.  I stopped using when I moved to New Jersey in 2008.  I stopped because I wanted to.  I stopped because I was doing something new and exciting.  I stopped chatting online.  I stopped on my own.  That was not enough.  Quickly (relatively), I got into a new routine (ha! as much of a "routine" as one can have in New York City.)  I began chatting online and found within a very, very short time someone who said he had meth.  I took some money out of the bank, and went over to the City to meet this guy.  I arrived at the appointed corner, and he texted me and  said he was nervous because I look like a cop.  He moved the location.  And again.  It was very cloak and dagger all over midtown Manhattan.  Finally, he told me he had left the bag on a pay phone.  I went and picked it up.  When I got home, I discovered it was a large bag of...sugar.  At least I still had my cash!  Minutes after I got home, he messaged me online.  He said he had to give me something fake because he wasn't sure if I was legit.  He offered to meet me again, so I went.  This time we met, I gave him money, and he gave me....more sugar.  When I realized what had happened, I was upset that I lost some money, but glad I would not be able to use.

Later, I found someone who was a good dealer.  He even delivered...on time.  That opened a new chapter in my usage.  I really thought I had it under control this time.  I was convinced that I had it under control right up until the orange eviction sticker appeared on my door last June.  I went back to Ohio for two months to retreat, regroup, and charge again.  All wrapped up in that was another quit date.  I am using June 1, 2014 as the last time I used.  I don't know that for sure, but I do know it wasn't after that.  This time I have quit because I don't have any funds.  I have quit because I am doing something old and exciting.  I have quit because I am no longer chatting online (or on the phone.)  I have not quit on my own.  God did some amazing things over the summer, not the least of which was remove any and all desire for The B**ch.  I will be writing more about my amazing transformation later.

Reading through this, knowing the story of my life, and knowing the way addiction works, it may be easy to read this and think "He will relapse again."  The fact is, that's true.  But when I stopped before, it was on my own power.  This time I have the power of the Almighty God on my side.  I have faith that He will take care of this.

Note: Some may think this subject is not an appropriate topic to write about-that it may be salacious and indiscreet.  This is why it has taken me some days to write.  I have tried to convey an issue that many can relate to and explain why it was attractive to me, but NOT glamorize it or turn it into a side show.  (An entire book could be written about my hook-ups and experiences.)  This is, after all, one of the myriad experiences that make me me.