It's Not All Wine and Roses (see, I told you)

I'm going to continue for a bit talking about meth. I learned so much (the hard way) in the last year. It causes so much destruction. I hurt family and friends more times than I care to think about. One specific person is my mother. There were a few times last year that I was supposed to meet her either at my parents house, or somewhere between there and here and I just didn't make it. See, meth makes you feel like you can tear down and rebuild the world in just a day or two. But you don't. You count bumps in the ceiling or shop for hours--then buy only a pack of gum. Anyway, the first time or two that I missed my mom, I think she bought it. But, when I missed my birthday party and the whole family was there waiting for me, she and my dad were beside themselves. I fucked that up pretty bad.

Last January I went to Florida to visit my grandparents. I had smoked the week before, so I was incredibly tired. I spent most of the four days I was there sleeping. I slept in bed, in the van, on the couch, at the flea market, on the plane. Not really at the flea market, but it felt like I was always sleeping. I'd love to go back to Florida and try again.

I have crowed about my friends many times before. Without some of them, I'm not sure where I'd be now. I'm sure I hurt them pretty badly too. One of those dramas was played out right here. But I'm gonna talk about the ones who left after I quit smoking. I can only speak from my perspective, but it seems that some of them don't like my new outlook on life. My boss has told me for two years that I need to surround myself with people who benefit me. I knew that before, but I have just now been trimming the fat. I know people who "sort friends." Basically, they look at a list and if a person doesn't meet their expectations, they move on. I don't sit down and say "You are no longer my friend," but sometimes circumstances present themselves and a friendship doesn't survive. While I am no saint, I can honestly say that the broken friendships I have, have ended with my blessing.

For instance, Tony was supposed to come over one night to hang out. He told me he would call me when he was ready to come. In the 2 1/2 hours I was waiting, I met up with another friend, totally forgetting that he was coming over. When he did call me, I told him that I was with Jaimie and he said "That's cool. I'll talk to you later." The next day at work, I sent him an apology. I really did screw that up and I owned it. I still haven't heard back from him. I can only guess that it wasn't OK, (it wouldn't have been OK with me) but that he didn't have the cojones to tell me.

Jason (mentioned in a summer entry about Cedar Point), was also offended by something I did. I owned that as well, but he decided to walk away from our friendship. My problem with that situation is allegedly, he still wants to be friends. He only needs an apology from me. Which he got. But, instead of saying "That wasn't good enough, I need you to cut off your toes" or whatever he needs, he has gone to everyone else and told them how I hurt him. Everyone but me. I'm not chasing people. Someday he may realize that the one person he needs to talk to about restoring our friendship has been holding MY phone the whole time. If he decides to talk to me, I am open to a discussion. As a footnote, I realize that by putting this on here, I'm taking it to the world. I'm not above that. TeeHee.

I know that I have wronged some people and as much as possible, I have realized that and done what I think is necessary to set it right. But, communication and dialog by their very nature, involve more than one person. I am open to feedback from anyone, but they have to open their mouths. I think visually, so what I'm thinking about right now is building a house. You end up with this beautiful structure to live in, but you have to cart away a lot of rubble. Some of those friendships are the rubble and some get incorporated into your beautiful house. And some become rubble later. Think remodeling the kitchen.

Just a quick note about my week. It was very good. I worked some overtime, so that paycheck can't get here soon enough. I got to hang out with Dustin again and met some new people, too. Chris is doing well-we've talked every day. I'm really looking forward to meeting him in person. On that note, I'm going to end this and find something productive to do. Maybe I'll do something I can write about next time.

Life is Wonderful

There's so much to tell. I'll write until I'm tired of it though. First, and most importantly, I have been completely clean and sober for over a month. Here's what happened. If you back through here, you will see that I mentioned running into crystal meth last January. I also made an entry about quitting. Dana called me out on not quitting, and Greg and Bryan stood behind me. The truth is, I didn't quit for good until December 7, 2005. I apologize publicly to Dana for getting upset with her, and to Greg and Bryan for continuing the lie. It is somewhat fitting to write this now, as I picked up the meth pipe for the first time on MLK Jr. weekend one year ago.

I know people who have smoked meth and walked away from it. Those people (including myself) have found something deeply personal to motivate them. It usually is something that might be strange, but it's what works. One would think that the legal issues, or health issues would be enough of a deterrent. But they aren't. I know people who have gone to jail and still are on a mission to find meth whenever they can. I also have a friend who saw pictures of people who had smoked meth for a long time. She said "I don't want to look like that." She put down the pipe never to pick it up again. My own personal motivator was a new car. My old piece of shit died and I absolutely had to get a new car. I went from a paid off piece of shit to a beautiful '03 Chevy Malibu with a $270 car payment. Just like that I said, "I quit. I cannot lose this car." My point is, that when you're high on meth, it fucks up your thinking. On so many levels. One of those is that your motivation for quitting also gets fucked up. But if it works, hey, use it. Which leads me to part B of my story.

I am all about instant gratification. I told my friends in December when I quit that I wanted to see instant results, knowing that I probably wouldn't. I think that when someone decides to do the right thing, there should be a light from heaven and angels should sing. At the very least, you would know beyond a doubt that you made the right decision. Alas, that doesn't happen, so we have memories and reflection. My house is cleaner. I have met some wonderful people. And yes, even the financial benefits are immediate in retrospect. (Greg, when you read this, look that up.) :)

I went and saw Rent with a guy named Dustin. If you haven't seen it, GO! It's a fantastic movie. Dustin and I have hung out a couple times since then, and he is turning out to be a nice guy and a good friend. Tom is a little hottie that comes over occasionally for some fun. He is a nice guy and a good, well, we'll leave that for another entry. Most importantly of all is Chris. Read the beginning of this journal, and you will see Chris. To be clear, these are not the same person. Chris and I met on Yahoo! Messenger some time ago. Admitttedly, I was probably high so I don't know when we first started talking. This guy is 20 years old, and from what I can tell, has his shit together. We have talked every day for a week, and I can think of nothing better to pass the time than getting to know someone who is cute, and has a great head on his shoulders. The drawback, and there's always a drawback, is that he lives in Illinois. I've already looked it up and its a drive of 8 hours, 3 minutes. I have plans to make that drive just after Valentine's Day. I hope I can do it. If not, it WILL be when I get my tax return. Come on W-2's!

I'm going to stop for now, but I will write again soon. The theme for next time will be "It's not all Wine and Roses."